Spellbound

Hello, long-lost solfeggists!!

I've missed you all!

So, the long-dreaded written exams are behind, and the oral exam lies ahead, but I can't start studying up for it just yet because I'm still waiting for the written exam to be read and evaluated.  Part of me is inclined to be extremely anxious about that, but...well, to be honest, I'm just too darn exhausted to work up the energy for a real academic tizzy.  Which, by the by, does not preclude other kinds of tizzies, it seems...

This afternoon, I had the decidedly less-than-pleasant dental experience of my first crown (or as I've euphemistically called it, "tooth tiara").  In the abstract, I am one of those people who really, REALLY dislikes the dentist, but I actually like my current dentist a lot because she takes the time to explain what's going on, and this helps with my generalized anxiety.  So, today, shortly after she numbed me up, my whole body started to tingle and my heart started to race and I had that weird panicky feeling that comes with really bad stage fright or getting caught speeding or using an albuterol inhaler....

And then I realized what it was.  Dental anesthetic contains epinephrine (they use it as a vasoconstrictor to minimize bleeding), and my dentist had told me about it the last time I was there, but only after the shot had caused me to freak out to the point of nausea and to mistake my reaction for my own emotions about the situation.  But, it wasn't my emotions that started the reaction -- I just couldn't rescue myself once I'd already gone over that edge.  And it wasn't my emotions this time either, and I remembered before the physical sensations hijacked my higher processing skills.  I consciously told myself what it was, and was able to ride it out by taking some deep breaths and listening to my iPod.  I caught it before I lost my marbles.  I broke the spell.

A deep satisfaction came over me with that realization, and I got to thinking about how we get ourselves all worked up about things because we forget that our problem might actually be caused by something external or easily fixable or temporary, and we invest so much in the freakout that we can't even use the solution when we see it.  We're afraid to confront it, afraid to take control, because the emotion of the situation has tied our hands, and we can't see that if we simply chose to be present, the power to change things would be ours.  So, for me (and maybe I'm just slow on the uptake for this one), today was a little victory -- Panic may still have a lot more points on the scoreboard, but I know I chalked one up for Team Me today.

Now, like I said above, I might just be a slow learner, but I suspect that most of us struggle with these kinds of emotional spellbindings.  In the world of solfa, one of my goofy classroom quotes is:

"Solfa is just like therapy.  When you talk about your problems, it makes them a lot easier to solve."

I know that's a little silly, but I think it's also a lot true.  How often do we plow over and over and over the same musical ground, refusing to stop, step back, and analyze what's really going on?  It takes discipline to do this, but more than that, it requires presentness.  Your whole brain and heart and body need to be in it together, in the moment.  This is an unusual level of focus -- we don't require it of ourselves very often, and to do so may seem extravagant, wasteful, unnecessary, or at least that's what your rebellious ego might tell you, as it often prefers to be off someplace else, diverting your attention to how you look in your pants today, whether or not you are smart enough, who might think you're talented, blahblahblahblahblah.

So, this week's assignment is a little abstract, which might be a little annoying, but I have a feeling that this might be very worthwhile...

All Levels
In your musical tasks this week, whatever they may be:

Be present.

If you have trouble, stop to assess early, before frustration rears its ugly head.

Rest in the knowledge that you have what you need to be successful.

If you need help, reach out.

Recognize the judgmental voices in your head for what they are.  Listen to them when it's appropriate (in the moment of performance or teaching is probably not the time), but be in charge of what you do about them.

If you need to freak out, freak out.  That's ok, too.